Guitarzan.
In a musical update, my efforts at learning guitar have paid off, big time. I can now play any song that consists of sloppily moving between chords A and D on an out-of-tune accoustic guitar. I know there are other chords, but these ones are mine. Any suggestions for a third chord that I may play, thus making me a punk rock GAWD? Or songs that are only D and A? For some reason DDADDAA doesn't sound nearly as rockin' as I had hoped. Perhaps I need an electric guitar to make it sound awesome. (If suggesting more chords, please make them the easiest ones. I eschew all complicated chordery as emblimatic of classic rock's bloated nature. Learn F? Why, I might as well record a Yes album at Conservatory! I'm punk rock all the way!)

In other news, that pants-rending noise that I heard while moving my parents' new freezer to their basement (I was lifting with my knees AND my back)? Yes, actually the sound of the front of my crotch rending. SPOILER ALERT— If I go commando, one whole testicle hangs out. Anyone have handy crotch patching lifehacks?